REVELAT1ON

The world feeds a negative narrative to single women.  Her personhood is not valued if she doesn’t belong to someone. Haven’t you heard the political debates? “She is a daughter, she is a wife, she is a mother.” Her being her has never been enough. The lack of autonomy is harmful having limited generations of women by tempering her goals, achievements, health and most of all her happiness. 

Without dragging men into this. “Yeah, yeah not all men and not all marriages!” In contrast, men do not have to ask for permission from society to remain single until they’ve found themselves. In fact, men are encouraged to “sow their oats” before settling down with a woman who coincidentally, can take care of their needs. Conversely, bachelorhood is celebrated! In fact there is a long running tv series about a caucus of unwed, 20 something year old women competing for the attention of a single man. 

There is a responsibility that society heaped onto women, a tale as old as time. Be sexy, so you can find a husband. But don’t act like a whore. (Though it would be perfectly fine if you initiated sex and enjoyed a full blown, screaming orgasm.) When you meet him, don’t be too smart, too independent or too funny. You could scare him off. Don’t actually be yourself but contort yourself into whatever shape he desires.

Summon your groom, be his willing sex slave while managing the household. Reminder, it’s the future and your goal is no longer to become the homogenous suburban housewife with 2 kids, a picket fence a dog and a husband who pulls into the driveway at 5:30. Turn the page in that book, girl. We have evolved beyond that picture of matrimony. The aspirations of the modern wife have quadrupled. You must now get married, have a kid or two, become a life source, then spend two or three years negotiating your spouse’s desires and offspring’s food source. You are a homemaker, career woman, wife and mother in a two income household, while paying down student debit, in a cage match with inflation, juggling pick-up and drop off, learning “new math,” and organizing your pantry while posting every minute of your idyllic life on social media. One last thing, you have a Zoom meeting in 15 minutes!

I’ve described this version of life in the worst way. I’ve heard the stories. You can’t even release your bowels without company, a husband asking a ridiculous question through the shower curtain or the fingertips of a child creeping under the bathroom door. I have actually experienced both with a live-in lover and a weekend of auntie duties with my favorite little people. Yet my suspicions are confirmed each time I open social media or turn on daytime television. The truth is out and the marriage propaganda is no longer working. Lucky for me, I never subscribed to the idea that marriage was the source of all happiness. I was never made to feel that married life was the most fulfilling thing that I could ever do. I made a choice that allows me the freedom to remove or insert myself into any scenario that will increase my personal joy and that freedom exists because I am under no obligation to please anyone but me. People accuse me of being selfish, they will try push their pity on me. With a head tilt and a voice filled with curious condescension I am asked, “ Isn’t your life lonely?” With the most matter of fact and smug tone I reply, “it’s quiet.” Sometimes, for a little razzle dazzle I’ll add that I don’t have to sneak my snacks either.

I ask myself, Why would any sane individual would willingly create this spiral of personal hell? Then I think … the patriarchy. The patriarchy thrives on a woman’s fear that her desirability has shelf life. The fear of no longer being a target of male desire, fighting the idea that you are not good enough for said man and the primitive push from relatives to enter unhealthy marriages for the sake of being married thrusts women into imprisoning themselves into a matrimonial nightmare. One may read this and think, “Imprisonment.” That’s is a strong word!”” But the phrase, “ball and chain” didn’t come from nowhere. This sense of urgency slingshots women into a scramble of desperation and that desperation keeps women in sub-standard relationships, with substandard men for the sake of being with someone on New Year’s Eve, on Valentine’s Day and during wedding season - but girlies, weddings are the best place to find a fun guy who can be vetted by people just like you! Friend, you are worth much more than a desperate scramble for a sub-standard relationship. You are worth the time it takes to find yourself and get to know thy self. To learn yourself and harness the power in being single. There is a comfort, clarity and peace in getting to know yourself. When you know yourself you develop the patience to wait for what is right instead of accepting the bare minimum and we know the bar currently resides next to the lava at the earth’s core - so raise it for yourself. We will all be alone at some point in life and for any number of reasons. Why not embrace and be empowered by your time solo? Why not get to know yourself?

Before I go any further and I’ve gone pretty far, I must say that I like men - a LOT. I like looking at them, talking to them, I like the way they smell, the width of their fingertips, kind gestures, belly laughs, five o’clock shadow, clean edge ups, the space along their collar bone between their neck and shoulders, and… So. Much. More. I am not attacking men personally, this is simply an indictment of the institution that has indoctrinated all of us.

Here is a fabulous example: I was seeing a man who’s behavior was confusing to me. I was spending a lot of time trying to analyze his feelings and my assumptions. After happy hour conversations , texts with friends, weekend brunches where I sought out council from the girl gang. A friend asked sternly, “what do YOU want?” I truly could not answer the question… Maybe it was the more than 20 years of “How to Please Him” Cosmo quiz consumption that has disoriented me.

I dare to ask, why was I trying so hard to satisfy him, to be pleasing to him and to force him to validate me? What would life be like, if I worked this hard to please myself and did the things that made me happy. - the things that satisfied me? What if I spent time and energy thinking about my needs and desires instead of acquiescing to his?

And then … the pandemic - a time of complete chaotic confusion. Let me set the stage, it was New York and it was scary. One thing I was not going to do was tangle myself in the fear of the uncertainty and loneliness. Because, the only thing that was and still is certain is uncertainty. The other certainty was that I was single and would be for the foreseeable future. I was sure that I would rest, eat well, indulge in hours of self pleasure, eat more, binge Mad Men, Sex and the City, Game of Thrones and Insecure figure out what to do with my hair and watching other people work out became one of my favorite past times.

Pre-pandemic, I was a woman about town. A cocktail hour, dinner dates, coffees, brunch and countless invitations to do all number of things was the manor in how I lived my life. Still single, but a woman about town. Like the rest of the global single population, my independence was being reinforced and thrown in my face. My mother even took out an insurance policy in case I died alone, a spinster in my Manhattan apartment. I made it through without an emotional scrape - just searing embarrassment. A moment that I will never be able to live down. A moment only matched by scripted television. In true Roman Roy level fuck-ups and shame. Infamy, deleted from devices but burned into the brain. The moment - me sending nudes to the family group chat. Another story for another time.

Despite this, I was unbothered, I looked inward amused spending time with myself. There were moments of stress of course but there was a growing conversation about women’s unpaid labor. I was not experiencing the deep exhaustion of unequal household duties. Tales of negotiating space on the sofa, shuffling babies feedings or space on the dining table for schoolwork or secretly crying in a pantry because I couldn’t escape these people I’d created. None of these issues belonged to me. I was shocked watching these meltdowns play out in front of me. These women crying, the weaponized incompetence, the unrelenting responsibility of being the rubber band, scotch tape and glue that was holding households together all belonged to women. I was in awe and in fear for these women - their obligations were relentless and behind all of the internet satire she was in emotional tatters. Whereas, I was never more confident that I’d made the right decision for my life. It would seem like solitude, choice and being free of obligation was the fantasy. I was living it. 

People were going stir crazy, American politics was on fire and I was at home cooking extravagant dinners, reading books and quite literally watching paint dry … on my nails. Does it sound self indulgent? Extravagant? It wasn’t. Capitalism has conditioned us to believe that free time is wasted time and if you aren’t being productive you are failing. Combine those attitudes with the patriarchy, which conditioned both women and men into believing that women who aren’t operating in service to a man or literally anyone other than themselves are egomaniacal, selfish and a disgrace to all of the women in the world and our ancestors!

Like most people, social media allowed us to connect with others and much of our lives were on display. While I prepared lovely dinners that sat next to flickering candles and bouquets of fresh flowers people would often invite themselves into my dm’s. On multiple occasions sharing their conclusions about my life and that the single thing that would make my life better would be sharing it with a man. In fact, it was once said to me, “it’s so sad that you don’t have someone to cook for. You need someone to enjoy the fruits of your labor.” As if it weren’t enough for me to enjoy my own apartment, my own Netflix account, and the food that I’d cooked myself for myself.

The pandemic would end, sort-of and the population would eventually find our way back outside. I was outside with new a new perspective (and a new libido). The experience of 2020 was not lost on me. I had very profound revelations. I learned that I was capable of a great many things on my own, that I was emotionally well rounded enough to be alone, that I liked myself, that I am self assured and that I eventually want a partner, a companion, a lover. The man who would be invited into my life would have to offer me something more and something different than I could offer myself. His presence would have to enrich my life. This man would not be in competition with other men per se, he would be in competition with the peace that I have created within myself and if he isn’t up for that challenge, he’s just another swinging dick!

Until then, I am a spinster. Living my best single life! 💋✌🏾